From the archives: Stargate: Coach, episode, er, 1? a blog post circa 2009

Some Saturday, March 2009.

Well, first, my handbag is NOT Coach. Not Fossil either. Not Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada or anything else remotely classy. It is just something I picked up at WalMart. When I bought it, my girlfriend Connie said, “I hate to tell you, but honey, you just bought a black hole.” Little did I realize how prophetic she was!

The story starts at the end and goes backward in a classic Sci Fi plot affectation. I spent Saturday morning taking the train to my school in Claremont. Our story opens (er, closes) in the computer lab. I am there to pass off a set of car keys to a person I haven’t met.

Lab Attendant (reluctantly pulling iPod earbuds out of his ears): Can I help you?

Me: Yes, can I leave these keys with you? Someone named Stephanie will be along soon to pick them up.”

Lab Attendant (eyeing me suspiciously): What is her last name?

Me: “Er, I don’t know.”

“What does she look like?”

By this point, I am stammering. “Mmmm…I don’t know.”

“How will I know who she is?” he asks.

“Well, you see, I have an email here on my Blackberry that has her last name in it. But I can’t access it because my Blackberry battery died on the way here.”

The lab attendant reaches for his earbuds, clearly giving me up as a hopeless case. Then, I get a brain wave! I have my computer with me. I’ll just fire up my computer, download the email and find Stephanie’s last name.

About this time, a beautiful, young, blonde walks in, surly escort in tow. With a huge sigh of relief, I ask, “Stephanie?”

Well, not to belabor the point, but I dutifully turn over the keys, she says a perfunctory, “Thank you.”

Then, she says – if you can believe this – “I’m still fuzzy on how you came to have these keys in your purse.” She says it with almost – but not quite – an accusatory tone. Well, by this time, I’ve worked out the whole story, but it’s easier to just say, “Oh, my handbag is a gateway to an alternate universe,” smile kindly and flounce out of the room, which is of course NOT what I did, but makes for a much better story. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Stay tuned to this space for the next (er, previous) installment of Stargate: SG Coach.