More sadness

Some friendships have profound effects. I have been privileged to enjoy many such friendships in my life. I'm terrible at nurturing friendships. Don't get me wrong. I'm loyal - occasionally loyal to a fault. But I keep my life moving on a personal timeline and sometimes I forget that others don't share the timeline. Consequently, my friends tend to either whiz past me or I move on and then wonder why they haven't caught up. Thing is, every time we are in the same physical location, we tend to go back to the same intimacy we shared before.

In fact, that's how I can usually tell if a friendship was "real" or not. If they seem a stranger when I see them again, I can be pretty sure they were never my friend. I know that sounds harsh, but it is not meant so. There is no harm in being a treasured acquaintance. In fact, I cherish many, many such relationships as evidenced by my 500+ friends on Facebook - not one of whom I would want to give up.

But back to the friendships with profound effects on me. One such friendship is likely in its last stages as a very dear friend from my school days fights the end stages of a terrible disease. I just happened to be in my hometown (for a different function) when I heard of my friend's hospitalization. I sneaked in to the hospital room at midnight and shared the most wonderful hour with friend "X" and mother of said friend. It was a very sweet and special time. One that I shall remember for years to come.

As the days have come and gone since the visit, my friend has grown steadily worse. I'm so grateful I had the chance to visit before comas and unmanageable pain and the like got in the way. But I'm also sorry now that I didn't stay to hold that hand during the worst. Of course, it would have been presumptuous to have done so. There is a family and closer friends than I for that task.

I am of course saddened to lose a friend. And, I feel profound sympathy for the family as they face the unknown. Because of my friend's and my own spiritual beliefs, I am not frightened nor do I believe this is the last I shall see of the friend. But I do have regrets. I regret that I didn't slow down when I should have - to maintain that friendship - and share joy during the times that friend sped past me. I'm not sure I can change at this stage in my life to be a better friend. I'm not sure I should even try...but it is definitely something for me to consider about myself in the months ahead.